Apothe-Cobra
by GemNika
Summary: Modern AU. There's only one pharmacy in all of Magnolia, and it's run by Cobra. What happens in a normal day for him as he gives the town's citizens their prescriptions? And why the hell won't people stop telling him their life stories? (Rated M for language only; mostly humor).
1. Depressed Dancer

**A/N: So this AU came about purely because of my wonderful husband. Talking about** _ **Poison Fairy**_ **and the really awesome stats on it - which it's still super surprising to me that it's the most popular CoLu fic right now - ended up with him talking about the concept for this story. We plotted the whole thing out with humor all along the way.**

 **And because he's unaware of the common Fairy Tail tropes, especially for AU's, he was able to think of new ways to look at the characters. Including professions. So, let's see how many new and interesting things we can learn about these characters.**

 **In case you haven't figured it out yet, this is a modern AU. It's humor, maybe a parody. The romance really won't be a factor until much later.**

 **Also, the following chapters, and this whole story, take place in a single day.**

 **So, let's get on with it!**

* * *

 _ **Depressed Dancer**_

* * *

Magnolia wasn't a small town. By all accounts of the locals, it was pretty damn big. And everyone who lived there loved that they could have all the wonders of urban life without the insane traffic of a bustling city like Crocus. It was the perfect combination to everyone who wasn't Erik Vivas, owner of the only pharmacy in Magnolia. Because even though he loved his job and that he owned his own - rather successful - business, he hated that his was the _only_ one in town. That included the hospital.

He wasn't even sure what had prompted the hospital to decide that his business was the one that would field all their prescriptions. Sure, when there had been an electrical fire in the hospital's pharmacy six years prior, and they'd been forced to shut it down until the damages could be repaired, he'd had quite the influx of business. Except, they'd never reopened it.

Instead, they'd taken the time to write up a contract with him to have a portion of his building remodeled so a walkway, with an elevator included, could connect the hospital to his pharmacy across the four-lane Main Street.

No matter how much he hated it, his wife had convinced him that it would be great for his business, and that he should just go with it. Only after he'd made sure to retain full autonomy from the hospital, so he didn't have to adhere to their own rules as one of their employees.

Luckily for Erik, the hospital didn't want him working for them.

He wasn't exactly a people person, and even though his job all but ensured he would have to interact with people on a regular basis, that didn't mean he had to like it.

Thankfully, his mornings were relatively tame. It always started out the same way. He would come in exactly six in the morning and go about starting up the computer. For the next hour, he checked emails from suppliers, letting him know that shipments were on their way in. Then it was on to emails from the hospital with upcoming prescriptions that would be needed for outbound patients. They'd developed a system over the last few years since he'd become the hospital's outpatient pharmacy. Anything they knew would be needed by the morning had to be sent to him so he could get things ready.

He knew it wasn't how most pharmacies were run, but Erik didn't really like _normal_.

By seven in the morning, he was filling prescriptions that had already come in. By seven-thirty, he was unlocking the doors and ushering in his daily dose of ancient assholes looking to get their glaucoma medication and insulin.

It wasn't until nearly ten that things started to get weird. Erik knew Magnolia was a town full of fucking odd-balls, but they generally didn't have to go to the pharmacy. Which meant he didn't really have to interact with them all that often. And that's how he preferred it.

As it turned out, he knew by the sight of his first customer under the age of seventy that it was going to be _one of those days_.

A man in his twenties strolled in, ringing the little bell over the door that Lucy had insisted Erik's store needed. Erik hardly paid him any attention as he moved off to the side to go up and down the aisles of over-the-counter medication. Plenty of people did it. It wasn't all that odd.

What _was_ odd was how the man with deep cobalt hair kept eyeing the counter over the aisle, looking around to see if anyone else was around, then went right back to looking at the tampons. Maybe he had a girlfriend or wife that needed them, and he'd been sent to the store to buy them and was embarrassed as hell by it.

Still, Erik was cautious. He didn't let on that he knew the guy was skulking around and not picking anything up. Instead, he simply walked into the back and grabbed Ms. Babasaama's prescription hemorrhoid cream, then brought it back out and rung her up. As soon as she was out of the store, Erik openly watched the man turn a corner and shuffle over toward the condoms.

"Need help finding something?" he asked. Erik didn't smile. He didn't even try to sound like he gave a shit whether the guy needed help. Really, he didn't. But there were times when someone was just utterly fucking lost and scouring the laxatives aisle looking for bandaids. The sooner people got the fuck out, the better.

Their eyes locked, the man's nearly onyx with Erik's single indigo, and he fought not to smirk when the man looked around to see if anyone else was around. Finally, he came toward the counter and set a box of condoms - _For Her Pleasure_ , how sweet - on the counter.

"Just this," the man said. "And, um… I need to pick up a prescription."

"You're in the right place then," Erik said. And then he waited. After several painfully silent moments, he said, "Name on the script?"

"Oh," the man muttered. He glanced around again. "Gray Fullbuster?"

Erik blinked. "I need to see your ID, kid." He wasn't that much older than this Gray person, but it made Erik feel better when he called people _kid_. Once the card was in his hand, Erik turned to the computer and started typing in the information. It was boring to most people, but shit like this just made him feel… content, oddly enough. "Zoloft once a day?"

"Yeah," Gray said. He looked around again, just to make sure no one was around aside from Erik. "I'm not depressed or anything though."

"I really don't care," Erik said. He didn't look at Gray while setting his ID on the counter and going to the back to get his prescription. Once he was back at the counter and scanning the package, then typing in more information, he nearly groaned in annoyance when Gray started talking again.

"I'm not," Gray said. "I just. You know that club, Blue Pegasus? Well, I work there and it's kind of a dead-end job. It's not what I want to be doing with my life, but I don't really have anything else that I _can_ do. I mean, dancing is good money and all, and the women are great for a confidence boost. I'm just not satisfied, y'know?"

"Uh-huh."

"I thought about doing ice sculptures or something," Gray continued. "Maybe moving up north somewhere and working at a ski lodge."

"Mm."

"But my doctor says that it's really dreary up there and it probably wouldn't be the best for my health. I told him that snow was calming, that I had a lot of good memories in the snow-"

"Mm." Erik reached over and picked up the condoms, ringing them up as well. Good fucking lord, did this guy not understand that he hadn't any shits to give? Still, it was early in the day and Erik at least had enough patience to be nice. For now.

"But I'm not depressed or anything," Gray finished.

"Mmkay," Erik said. Bullshit was this guy not depressed. Maybe he wasn't though, and he actually just had some really intense anxiety, and that was why he needed the meds. Not that it really mattered to Erik, and he wasn't a psychiatrist anyway, but still. He'd been doing this long enough to recognize at least a few symptoms. "So, I'm sure your doctor went over the side effects of this and asked you about any allergies."

"Yeah," Gray said while pulling his wallet out and getting ready to swipe his card.

"Make sure you take this with food," Erik said, watching as he paid for his purchase. "If you work at night, you might want to take it with breakfast in the morning until you know if you have any side effects. Dizziness, things like that. No driving, operating machinery, or heavy lifting while taking it until you know how it affects you." He hoped with everything he was worth that Gray didn't do it…

"No heavy lifting? Well, I'll have to apologize to the ladies, then," Gray chuckled.

He fucking did it. Erik fought not to slam his head into the counter. Every male under sixty who was told not to do any heavy lifting made the same goddamn dick joke. Every single one. "Don't stop taking this until you consult your doctor."

"What if it's not working?" Gray asked, frowning at the caramel-skinned pharmacist.

"Some medications take time to build up in your system before they start working," Erik said. He picked up a pen and scribbled something down on a notepad behind the counter. His tally for stupid questions for the day. He had a feeling he was going to break his record of sixteen. "Don't stop taking _any_ medication you've been prescribed without talking to your doctor. If you have more questions, call your doctor." He paused and looked at the screen again. "You have two refills on this. Do you want a courtesy call a week before your prescription runs out?"

Gray nodded, clearly surprised that the pharmacy would do that in the first place, and Erik handed him the form to fill out while bagging up his condoms.

"You should come down to the club sometime," Gray said while writing down his information. "It's not just a strip club for women."

"I'm good."

"Well, Bob the owner is really cool," Gray chuckled. "Kind of… flamboyant, but he makes a mean margarita."

"I'm more of a whiskey guy," Erik said. "And I've heard of it before. My wife goes down there."

"Oh," Gray chuckled. "Maybe I've seen her."

"Probably. Her friend Cana works at the bar."

"Oh, I know Cana."

Of course he fucking did, the dippy little shitbox. If he worked at Blue Pegasus, it would be hard as hell _not_ to know Cana. "Yep. Have a good day."

Gray hesitated before taking his bag from the counter, then turned and walked out the door. Erik was more than thankful he'd already gotten that prescription handled. The guy was depressing to be around. And annoying as hell with all his babbling. Didn't his customers understand that there were therapists, and then there were pharmacists? That he really couldn't care less about their problems, as long as they paid for their medication? Honestly.

Besides, he was sure that things would be picking up in a couple hours. Between people coming in from town to get their drugs and the steady stream of patients that were going to be getting discharged from the hospital - emergencies notwithstanding - he was going to have his hands full. Especially since he was too much of a stickler to hire someone as an assistant or to run the register while he handled other shit. He already had one person working at the shop from five until midnight. He didn't need anyone else.

He glanced off to the corner toward the two rows of plush blue waiting chairs. He hadn't needed to turn on the ticket system just yet, since it hadn't been busy but he figured it was better to do it while he had the time, rather than waiting until people started pouring in.

Erik made his way around the counter and got the machine ready, checking to make sure the roll was full and the numbers were working. And when he flicked the switch, nothing fucking happened. The numbers that should have appeared on the sign above him, didn't show up.

"Motherfucker," he spat. He didn't have time to deal with this shit. He needed to double check the aisles and make sure everything was restocked the night before when he'd been home having dinner with Lucy.

Erik turned back toward the counter when the bell above the door jingled again. He glanced toward the group of four people who walked in, and directed them to the waiting area. "Take a number for prescriptions," he said. "I need a few minutes."

He moved behind the counter and pulled out his phone, flicking through his contacts until he came to his favorite electrician. Well, that was a bit of a stretch, he supposed. Laxus wasn't his _favorite_ electrician. He just happened to be the only competent electrician that tended to drop what he was doing at any given time when there was something wrong in the pharmacy.

He charged out the ass for it, too. The bastard.

"Dreyar Electric."

"It's Erik," he said. "My ticket sign is fucked up and I've got people who need order and little tickets to keep them in line; otherwise, they'll turn into a barrel of fucking monkeys. And I don't have a goddamn shotgun to kill them all with."

"... Jesus fucking Christ, man," Laxus sighed. "When did it go out?"

"Not a clue," Erik said. "All I know is it won't turn on now, so I have to old-school it until you get down here and fix it." He glanced at the computer to check the time. A little after ten in the morning. Which meant he had another seven hours before he was done for the day. "Just get in here and get it fixed before I leave, okay?"

"You're a bossy bitch, you know that?"

"Yeah, well this bossy bitch has shit to do tonight," Erik said. He poked his head over the counter. "Number one. You'd better have your IDs ready, folks. You know I'm the only one here." He let out a soft sigh and shifted the phone to hold between his ear and shoulder. "Can you do it, Laxus? I've got a feeling it's gonna be a shit of a day."

"Yeah, man," Laxus replied. "Shouldn't be more than an hour before I get there."

"Seriously?" Erik nodded to the man setting his ID down on the counter, holding up a finger to tell him to wait.

"I'm in the middle of fixing something right now, man," Laxus said. "An hour, tops, and I'll be there."

"You fucking suck," Erik said with a scowl. "But fine. I'll see you then." Without another word, he hung up and grabbed the ID, then looked up at the man on the other side of the counter. Burning crimson eyes framed by long raven hair glared back at him. "Gajeel Redfox."

"The one and only," he smirked.

God, this was going to be a long motherfucking day.


	2. Concussed Constructionist

**A/N: I'm so happy there was such a great response to this story! You guys don't even know. It's so weird to write chapters this short, but as long as I don't get bogged down with anything too crazy, I should be able to update this a little more regularly.**

* * *

 _ **Concussed Constructionist**_

* * *

Erik didn't know this guy, but it seemed Gajeel thought they'd been best friends since birth. He didn't really look like the talkative type, and maybe - if Erik really cared about spending time with someone other than his family - he and Gajeel probably _could_ have hit it off under different circumstances.

These were not the proper circumstances to foster a relationship of any sort.

"Gimme a minute to see if your script is ready," he said.

"Sure, take yer time," Gajeel replied. "I'm outta work on med leave so-"

Erik walked away from him and toward the back. As soon as he was surrounded by the shelves of bottles, he took a deep breath and let it out slowly through his nose. The day was going to be over before he knew it. It fucking had to be. A quick glance at his watch showed that, no, it was not nearly five o'clock. And no, his relief for the night shift was not about to walk in the door seconds before the clock struck five, like an asshole. And no, he was not about to leave work and most likely catch his wife on her way back from some race she'd decided to participate in that was scheduled at the fucking butt-crack of dawn.

"Goddamnit," he muttered. "I can't even remember his fucking name."

He really didn't want to walk back out there and have to ask for the guy's identification again. Hell fucking no, Erik downright refused to have to hear another person's goddamn life story that day. Still, it wasn't as though he could lie.

He frowned at the pale grey tiles beneath his feet. Technically, he could lie. He could lie up a fucking storm and tell everyone that their shit wouldn't be ready until after five. Then he wouldn't have to do a goddamn thing aside from deal with the morons being discharged from the hospital.

But no, that was unethical. And if there was one thing that Erik Vivas _wasn't_ , it was unethical.

So, he did the adult thing - just like the big-boy pharmacist that he was - and walked back out to the counter. Gajeel was still standing there, holding his head now while he frowned at the counter. "If you plan on passing out," Erik said once he was beside the computer again, "Try to tip backwards. I don't want my counter getting all bloodsoaked."

"Nah," Gajeel sighed. "Head's just killin' me."

"That would explain why you've been given amitryptiline and sumatriptan."

"Huh?"

"Migraines," Erik said, looking at the computer. "One for chronic tension-type headaches, the other for acute attacks, from your PC's notes here."

"Sure," Gajeel frowned. "I mean, I've been getting them since the accident so-"

Erik turned and walked to the back again. His gaze ran over the shelves of already filled prescriptions until he came to the box labelled with an R. Luckily it wasn't empty. That meant he'd already gotten it filled in the morning before opening the shop, and just hadn't recognized the name on it. But that was normal for him. He never paid attention to the actual information that early in the morning. He didn't memorize names or what prescriptions they were taking. All he did was match the information in the computer to what was on the bottle, then ensure the contents were accurate.

He pulled the box and hoped with everything he was worth that it would say _Redfox, G._ on the label.

"Fuck yes," he whispered to himself, grabbing the bag and shoving the box back into its slot. Erik double checked to make sure there were two bottles in the bag. Oh, he was an amazing pharmacist. He was the king of all fucking pharmacists! And he was going to completely ignore the fact that he did a little jig before walking out from the back and into full view of his customers. His wife was rubbing off on him, that was for sure.

Once back at the counter, he scanned the printed label. He didn't want to ask it, but he had to. "Did you need anything else today, or just the prescription?"

"Yeah, the doc said something about supplements," Gajeel said. "Gave me a list."

Erik nodded and started filling in the fields on the computer screen. "Vitamin supplements are in aisle two." He looked up at Gajeel when the man was silent, then sighed when he saw that his customer was holding the list out to him. Instead of touching it, he looked down and read the short list, then leaned across the counter and pointed to the right aisle. "Magnesium supplements are on the top shelf. Omega-3 is on the second shelf."

While Gajeel walked off to the aisle in question, he shook his head and got back to work. If he could finish this fast enough, then all he'd need to do would be to scan anything else Gajeel brought up to the counter, get his money, and then the guy could fucking _leave_. Preferably without talking more.

"It's the craziest thing," Gajeel chuckled, setting two large bottles of vitamins and a bag of chips on the counter. "I do construction work. You know Clive Construction?"

No, Erik didn't know what the fuck that was. "Mm-hmm." Erik didn't look at him. He just kept working, and scanned the extra items.

"Well we were doing this office job, over on Palmera Avenue. Y'know, right by the strip club." Erik nodded, even though he didn't know that there was a strip club on that street. "So I was on my way to talk with the foreman about the owner's son not showing up for his shift again, so we were short our demolition man on the crew - since we needed to clear out some of the shit that was there already - and this huge fuckin' beam fell right on top of me. Knocked a fuckin' screw loose or some shit."

"That sucks." Good god, did he ever fucking _breathe_ between sentences?

"Yer damn right it sucks," Gajeel chuckled. He pulled out his wallet and counted out the cash he needed. "I got a fuckin' concussion from that bullshit, and I'm bein' forced to take time off work for it."

"Mm."

"Even with a hard hat on, man. It was fuckin' crazy. But I guess it's for the best. I've been talkin' with my girlfriend about gettin' a cat or some shit."

Good fucking lord, this guy talked more than the depression dude. Luckily, he handed over the money, and Erik could focus on counting out his change, then getting his receipt. Getting him the fuck out of his goddamn store. God, why did the little printer have to move so slowly?

"She's not really one for pets, but I'm pretty sure it'll grow on her." He chuckled when Erik handed him the change and bagged up his order. "What do you think? Cat or no cat?"

"I'm partial to snakes," Erik said.

"Got a girlfriend?"

"Wife," he replied, then looked at the computer again. Gajeel had no refills on the medication, which meant he'd need to see his doctor to get more if he needed it. That was a plus.

"How does she feel about pets?"

Erik could have patience. It was still early in the day, so he wasn't too aggravated by people's idiocy just yet. Then again, if this asshole didn't leave already, that would be changing very soon. "We've got a twelve foot Burmese python," he said. Gajeel whistled, and it was only then that Erik smirked. He did love that reaction. "It was her wedding gift to me, so I'm gonna go out on a limb and say she doesn't mind pets."

"Well, damn…"

He nodded. "With your meds, make sure to get rest. No strenuous activity, especially if you have a concussion. The supplements are pretty straightforward, just read the label. Don't take them with the pain meds though. Give it an hour at least."

"Got it."

"You don't have any refills, so if you need more when you run out, schedule an appointment with your doctor."

"Sounds good, man," Gajeel said. He gave Erik a nod and turned to leave the store with his bag.

And then Erik sighed. Finally, that bullshit was done. Now all he needed to do was deal with the three other people that were sitting and waiting for their shit. And then hopefully, no one else would show up all day, and he wouldn't have to deal with anyone. God that would be perfect.

"Number two," he called out. He could do this. He could get through the day. As long as no one else tried to _lament_ to him, he could do it. Erik looked up from the computer just as a brunette woman came to stand in front of it, holding out her ID card.

"Cana Alberona," she purred as he took the card. "I'm here to pick up my prescription."

Jesus fucking Christ, it was Cana. Why the fuck was she walking around in just a pair of capris and a bikini top and flip flops? Actually, on second thought, he really didn't want to know.

"Aren't you Cobra?" she asked, and he could smell the alcohol on her breath already. Goddamnit, his day was just going to get worse, wasn't it...


End file.
